Saturday, September 12, 2009


I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
I've been wondering why you did the things you did.
did i not measure up to your standards?
was i not as good as your first daughter, Andrea?
was my skin not brown enough? my hair not thick enough? my eyes not dark enough?
i have your eyes you know.
everytime i look in the mirror &see them i see you looking back at me.
its the only reason i remeber what you look like.
maybe im the wrong one.
maybe im wrong for thinking i deserved to have a dad in my life.
im wrong for thinking i should be able to celebrate fathers day, instead of dreading it each year.
wrong for thinking you would want me when you have another life, other kids who must be better than me.

you showed up when i was five.

you made me think, finally, after all that time i wished &hoped you would come back, it actually happened.
you wanted me again. we spent the day together.
you promised me the world, and when you left that night you took my world with you.
you never called again, you never tried to contact me again, you probably never even thought of me again.
it pains me to hear my friends talk about their fathers, hurts me to hear them say they hate them,
they're so unfair because they won't let them stay out, or get a tattoo or some other meaningless thing.
at least they know the person who helped create them, the person who had part in giving them life,
at least that person cares about them. at least that person wants to be in their life.
i don't trust men because of you.
i expect everyone of them to hurt me, to leave me, just like you did.
if my own father didn't love me enough to stick around why should any other man?
i just want to know why. what did i do
i have your eyes, but when i look in the mirror i can't seem to see what's so horrible about me like you must have.

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